Tuesday, April 22, 2014

One forgotten, unpublished blog

Fall 08 Freshman Year STJ - NYC
I always thought I would have my life figured out and in order by the time I hit 25. Little did I know how far from it I would be. As I watched the movie "13 going on 30," I realized that I'm living my own movie. Feeling like I woke up one day at the age of 24, with very little recollection of the past 6 years.

I attempted to start a Blog once, but I never actually did it. As I looked through my Blogger, I found an old blog draft. The draft titled "What I've gained," was poorly written when I was 18 and a freshman at St. John's University

It was somewhat foreign to read it. I almost didn't recognize the girl on that blog. The grammatical errors were truly atrocious to read. But the recollection of the emotions I once had were eye opening. It made me feel like I got to meet a part of me I had forgotten.

My little sister and I on my 18th birthday
As I read it, the words played like a movie in my mind, reminding me of all I had lived and felt. "I was only working part-time and it's not like I had money to throw around. Most of the time I was short on money." I said as I continued to explain how difficult my life was. This blog was written not too long after I had moved out of my mother's house. 

Being on my own at 18 wasn't easy. Specially because I was still working on finishing my senior year in high school.  The change was difficult. I really had no idea what was waiting for me. This old draft highlighted a turning point in my life. I saw that at 18, I was overwhelmed by all the changes. Learning how to manage more than my money and time. I was dealing with a huge change, which was being on your own.
As I listed feelings and thoughts, I went back to that precise moment when I felt:
  • "Little did I know that moving away was going to hit me so hard. It's sad coming 'home' to a place that you can't really call home. It's hard to just sit there between four walls and wonder what's going on with your family" 
  • "I also learned that not because you are away your family, they are going to stop caring about how you are doing."
  • "I also became more responsible and learned to manage my time wisely."
  • "Moving out of my house taught me how to be responsible for my actions and myself." 
  • "Most important I learned how valuable family is,...I realized that I missed being 'home'." 
As I kept reading my unpublished blog, I started to analyze the younger version of myself. I saw what has changed in this past 6 years. I remembered that at the time, it was hard for me admit that I missed being home. I never shared those feelings with anyone until now. I was stubborn and determined to move forward.

"I gained strength to face new challenges," that's how I saw my life. "I still had to prove to myself that I could survive on my own." Regret was not an option back then, and it is not now. I saw how strong I had to be. How at times I wish I still had the same amount of strength. I wish I had stayed curious, I wish I hadn't giving into the routine that is my life now.

At 18 I felt my decisions had made me a "better person," and they really did. When I was younger, I was ready to take over the world like the Brain, from Pinky and the Brain. Now things are all about timing, being at the right place at the right time, meeting the right people, getting the right job.

 My teenage "adventure" as I described it, is no longer active. Sadly my life is far from adventurous. The challenges that I looked forward to have become part of my daily life, and it's far from what I had in mind. Perhaps I'm just going through a quarter life crisis, who knows. 

But one thing hasn't changed, my stubbornness. Though at times I get tangled in my routine, part of that 18 year old girl is still inside me. She's there refusing to give up. Looking back into that blog draft made me see that I haven't lost my essence.  There's plenty of new adventures and roads to discover. The only difference is that now, I'm a little older, and a little wiser. Those things that hurt yesterday won't hurt me tomorrow. Just like the Kelly Clarkson said in her song Stronger, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Last time I checked, I was still alive and I am stronger.      


No comments :

Post a Comment